September 08, 2005 - 11:08 p.m.
The first time in almost a month I felt the urge to update my journal. Mother passed away almost 30 days ago. After getting through her funeral where I recited a poem and sang & played her favorite hymns, I meditate the quiet of my furnished apartment reading a book, playing classical guitar music, or cruising the Web with my WiFi free Internet access while a layered, red apple crisp and vanilla candle flickers in the background. I made a memorial tribute to her on my furnished desk. A stone glass holder for the candle, a DVD cover with a picture collage containing a lifetime of photos and the funeral service. My mother's laminated obituary in front of the burning candle. The smell of flowers mixed with a sweet cooking aroma overwhelms anyone in the room. Even hours later. It brings me great comfort and closeness to her. Strange some may think to videotape your own mother's funeral. It was surreal seeing my own flesh & blood lying inside a felt covered casket. Mother looked amazingly beautiful with her eyes closed and hair styled by a professional. Age seem to have magically left her. Slipped away. Gone. Close by, a round table highlighting my mother's wedding picture. Not a traditional woman in a white gown. But a 19 year old woman in a blue chiffon dress with white corsage pinned beneath her collar. She and my father had to elope because grandfather would not consent to mother marrying a man seven years her senior. At that time, 1961, you had to be 21 to marry without both parents permission. Mother looked absolutely stunning for a dead person. Could imagine her looking that way without the lazy left eye that would turn out when she was tired. Laughing and appearing so beautiful because she had no real vices or bad habits except drinking soda in lieu of water. Imagined her living normal and content without the bipolar condition. My father not helping much with his realistic statement about NAMI members who are lucky to live as long as mother did. Most become alcoholics, overdose, take their own lives, or allow themselves to degrade faster than normal. So says my father who is a lifetime member of the NAMI association. I was touched they sent a flower arrangement to the funeral home. They knew mom. Knew she suffered 37 years of struggling with her condition. The unfairness of it all. People think I'm taking her death better than most. Maybe because I lost the first mother I knew at age 5. Because all my adult life I have lived apart and out of state from my birth family. Separated by geography and lifestyle. Of which I departed from their fundamental, evangelical beliefs. The kind that take pity on gay, transgendered people or condemn them altogether. I take solace in a living room with my portable DVD player hooked into the furnished television with Comcast cable. Calmness in watching foreign films rented at Hollywood video and Netflix. While watching the movie Producing Adults, I transcended myself to Finland. The ocean, wooden speed boat, village roads with a Saab blaring Finnish music and everything in English subtitle. Damn if I don't get mistaken for Finnish and Scandanavian when people give up guessing my real, first and last names are a combination of French German. Alsace-Lorraine, Black Forest area to be exact. In a drunken stupor, I almost look like Venla if my hair was shorter and naturally blonde, strawberry color. Satu, I would do if I encountered such a smart and beautiful doctor. Her calm demeanor, exterior, and broken heart interior I relate on many different levels. Suspended belief of imagination to think people would rearrange the broken pieces and make their love life whole again. Certainly, they would not step back to square one. But continue in continuous motion to the future. Fear and pride the stumbling blocks. Always the shred of hope that true love would somehow step out in front. Somehow find a way and forgiveness of those pushed aside or left behind. I marvel at the speed of Netflix. Couple of keystrokes, commitment to pay $9.99 a month for unlimited, one at a time, video rental resulted in two day delivery. Simple, paper packaging that serves as the send and return envelope. Upon receiving the DVD, they immediately ship out the next one in my queue. Time saving, efficient way of suspending one's life into a different realm of fantasy and travel. Shameless plug for Netflix. I plan on watching every frickin' lesbian, bisexual flick ever made including the foreign film festival ones available. Producing adults in definitely worth seeing if you can tolerate love between two consenting adults regardless of gender.
Näkemiin
~ Soldier Girl
