October 19, 2006 - 11:55 p.m.
Tonight was a major breakthrough with Bubbles. He began speaking to me again at the family home. After nine months of complete silence, locking me outside, hanging up the phone... a ray of light shined through that hard, cold exterior of his. My own private miracle. After ten counseling sessions which ended yesterday, I could not have wished or prayed for anything better. Re-establishing a close relationship with my only begotten son.
It all begin last December when Bubbles wanted to know the truth about my sexuality. Who I was involved with. When I answered truthfully, he could not handle the truth. And pushed me out of his life. You can imagine the misery, depression, and sad feelings of a mother who wanted to be open and progressive thinking. One who used a common sense approach that backfired.
Why the sudden change tonight. The melting of anger and resentment. I can't answer these questions. I really don't know. Maybe it was the relationship rekindling episode he watched on "Desperate Housewives" last Sunday. Bre and Andrew making amends after the prodigal son returns home from being homeless and turning tricks on the street for money. The final scene of mother and son sitting on the staircase, engaged in honest dialog was very touching!
I've always been outspoken about accepting Bubbles for who he is, regardless of sexual preference. He somehow equated my openness to a belief he could be gay. No high school alpha male wants his parents to address his sexuality, especially if different from mainstream society. Bubbles currently identifies as heterosexual although he is a Senior in high school and has never been out on a date with a girl. Right now, he has very little interest in pursuing anyone. This must be the time in life he is figuring things out for himself.
I may start dating again once my divorce paperwork is final. Perhaps I will look up a middle age woman in February when I attend a conference in Portland. She always seemed to be the one who got away. The great unknown. Either she was dating someone, some guy, or I became unavailable. My therapist thinks I should be brave and ask this woman out on a date. I don't think I could face open rejection from such a direct approach, not knowing her current relationship status. It gets harder when you're a middle age adult because the likelihood of someone being in a relationship is extremely high on any given day. Especially, if they are a person of quality and substance. Whether it be a man or woman, I cannot see myself dating someone with serious addictions or bad financial habits. Not even sure I could date a smoker or moderate to heavy drinker. The fear of dating again is overwhelming at times. Maybe I should try the "It's Just Lunch" approach if I decide to enter the dating scene. Naomi... I still care about deeply. However, I can't put my personal life on hold forever, waiting for her financial situation to become brighter, more stable. The past debt she owes me and another person must be paid off in order to have any respect for her as a signficant other, life partner. Call me old fashion, but I still believe in moral duty, ethical behavior, and fairness whenever possible. The golden rule, by far, is one of the best in existence for all mankind.
~ Soldier Girl
