July 13, 2007 - 1:51 a.m.
I finished a chemotherapy treatment twelve hours ago. Went to lunch at the Olive Garden. Naomi took me to work for an hour to finish some important suspense items. Came home and slept for six hours. Now I'm wide awake, juiced on chemo.
My heart broke again on Wednesday. Bubbles promised to come over at 1:30 p.m. to fix the door lock actuator on my car. I waited over an hour, realizing he was a "no show". I called the family home and got the answering machine twice. I left a message, and have not heard back from him. Nothing. I am done trying to re-establish a relationship with my son who turned 18 a few months ago. He may be joining the Army in six months if he finishes summer school. He's the product of parent alienation and mind control inflicted upon him by Boaz, his self-centered, conceited father. The young, green apple falls a short distance from its 46 year old tree.
I'm worried about my new friend Samantha. Her mother isn't doing so well and has Alzheimer's disease and possible kidney failure. I may have hurt her feelings when I revealed a reluctance, uncertainty about dating smokers. I lived with my birth family for 20 years, Boaz for 13 years, and Naomi for six years not to mention my college roommates, none whom were smokers. I dated one guy in high school hooked on Marlboro cigs. He smoked hourly and was extremely handsome man, a major player. We went on two dates... when he realized I'm a cerebral, serious type woman, not the ditsy cheerleaders he got a thrill from dating, fucking, and escorting to proms & dances. I worked for his sister at a local ice cream store. She was the oldest sibling in their family. When she told me about all the prom pictures displayed in his bedroom, I quit dating him. It was probably a mutual decision. I could taste the nicotine on his breath when he kissed me. It's not a pleasant experience for a non-smoker. At least he could have popped a mint or piece of gum in his mouth on the drive back home. Some people can be so thoughtless, in their own, self-centered worlds.
Samantha reminds me of an older version of Diamond. Except her voice is more deeper, alto. Diamond has a unique second soprano voice. It has a touch of raspiness in the upper register. Always made me wonder if she was a smoker. I remember one of the last, conversational encounters in her neighborhood. I was carrying a vintage guitar and spotted her in a local cafe. I waited until she came outside. And asked directions to a musical repair shop. She didn't know the particular store but gave me directions to another shop down the street. I noticed a cigarette burn mark above her right breast. She was wearing a tan, corduroy jacket with arm pads. I kept thinking the burned hole had to be deliberately placed on her jacket. Diamond is a writer, poet, editor, and marketing specialist. She attended two years of law school at my Alma Mater in San Francisco. Not sure if she graduated or not. I googled her recently. She moved to the Portland-Seattle area. And is a teaching assistant while working on a Master's degree in English-literature. She is a master of words and phrases. Anyone who can pass the LSAT has a strong grip on word play, logic, and definition. Her physical attraction and creative mind are very appealing to me. However, living two states away is a major obstacle. And I still have strong feelings for Naomi. Although I'm blocked, trapped in my own cognitive dissonance.
Every time I think about Bubbles, it reminds me of leaving the family home (court ordered for three weeks until the first child custody hearing) and moving into the house I purchased as an investment. Naomi was my tenant, partner. But her student loans, financial status, prevented her from qualifying on the loan. And my new, full-time job qualifed me for the entire amount. Deep inside, it feels like I left my son for a woman who knew I was married with child. But continued to pursue me anyway, after I tried to break off the relationship one time. In all fairness, my actions were reciprocal in nature. Maybe I should have stayed in a difficult marriage for the sake of my son. He may have turned out to be a better man. Not one filled with separation anxiety, bigotry, and hate. After Wednesday's behavior, he is also a coward for not keeping his promise and avoiding me on the telephone.
It's that time of year to reflect on true friendships and relationships. I had great results on my recent PET scan. Supposedly, I am in complete remission with one small tumor left in my stomach region. Eddie keeps calling the house to check up on me. I know when I go away for six months of military training, he'll want to date me if we wind up in the same class. Afterward, we're both going to the same new job location. I find him attractive enough, with a stable income, and similar values. He doesn't smoke nor drink. Loves to buy cars. And is a good tennis player, motorcyclist, and bicycle freak like me. The only problem is a seven year age difference. And the fact I have trust issues with men in general. Months of counseling helped me identify the reasons. Since I am a fair skin woman, and of a middle age generation, not sure I could date someone that is much more darker in skin and a different ethnic background. Don't want to be accused by the sistahs for stealing one of their most eligible men. Eddie is a good catch. And he has trust issues with women. How ironic. His first wife/girlfriend took him to the cleaners. I think he was married to her, and being Catholic, had the marriage annulled. So in the eyes of the Catholic church, they were never married. How bizarre! I am Protestant so I have a difficult time understanding that logic. Especially when they had children together. Oh... just to alleviate any fears that I am a racist, I was married to Boaz who is a man of color. I won't reveal his nationality. But he is dark skinned and very handsome. Although, I later discovered his black & white personality and believe he is a narcissist from all the bad treatment that occurred once he filed for separation. It was like being married to a Dr. Jekkyl, Mr. Hyde. We are still not legally divorced. He must have googled me and discovered I got promoted last year. He is demanding a higher financial settlement. After serving eight years in the military, he knows the rules for eligibility. I'm stuck in a weird situation because of my recent medical diagnosis. If I go into total remission, I can remain in the military until my 20 year retirement. However, if I get worse or cannot be stabilized, I'll be forced to medically retire in two years. And Boaz will have to repay the buyout money I already credited him last year when I signed over the family home to him; my complicated, messy, uncertain future.
Now you know why I have major trust issues. And when people come at me with love interest, I immediately put up walls and look for red flags. I want to take time to be myself again. To run on the track, get back into shape, and train my limited range soprano voice into something pleasant and audible. I've decided to fly back East after Labor Day weekend to look at a cabin near my hometown. I want to spend more time with my father, sisters, and relatives. The ones who never turned their backs on me. Who have been there for me. I'll probably purchase a plane ticket for Naomi because my family adores her. If she hadn't been here, my chemo treatments would have beem more of a living hell. She cooks, cleans, drives me to all the appointments, picks up my prescriptions, etc. I've been helping her financially for six years. So I guess this is the karma part where she is returning the kind gesture(s). She came into my life for a reason. We've been there for each other when our mothers, aunt, and uncles died from cancer and a massive heart attack, all since 2001.
~ Soldier Girl
