April 22, 2006 - 10:21 p.m.
She caught me off guard. Beautiful woman of five feet seven inches. Wanting so much to be loved and admired. I could see the fight of depression on her face. Waking up in time to get dressed and attend the monthly meetings. Almost always a few minutes late. Almost always with someone else. I could tell she did not like to be alone. I never believed in love at first sight until that warm night in March, sweeter than candy.
Nine years pass by. It's a cool, Spring night in April. I often think about her changing jobs. Moving to a different state. If we have met since the last meeting, she made me keenly unaware of it. Yet I could sense the truth. Feel her persona shining through the multiple layers and undertones. How I loved her to the core of my existence. How I feared her condition. Understood it better than most people. Understood how difficult it must be to walk in her shoes. So I leave her in peace. After beating her up with words. Splashing them in her face. Expecting her to be perfectly adjusted. More sanguine than sad, depressed. Finally understanding it may never be possible, in this lifetime.
One day I will see my mother whole again. The way she deserved to be like, dream, and experience life. The way she looked at peace. Lying in her state of rest. I stroke her face and hair several times. And gently kiss her cheek. She is sleeping alas. In heaven.
I do not wish to argue, psychoanalyze you any longer. Tread the valley and mountain peaks. The gift of music and companionship still firmly implanted in my brain. The words you sang embedded in my heart. Go now in tranquility. Find a new life for yourself across the sea. Is there such a thing as the bonny bonnie banks of the ocean. The lochness monster lurks inside my head. I take a swing on the willow tree. Whistling Danny Boy.
~ Soldier Girl
