January 02, 2007 - 5:33 p.m.
I finished reading a book I received for Christmas,"Self-made Man" by Nora Vincent. A lesbian writer went undercover as a man for almost two years, dressed in drag. After having a major cognitive dissonance experience at the end of her literary journey and four days of psychiatric hospitalization, she was glad to be a woman again. Even as progressive as American society is 2007, it still wants to beat the pink out of men and personify women as sex objects. Causing women to fear and need the patriarchal male at the same time. What a predicament! It's no wonder we have so many confused and angry people from Venus and Mars. Men are not socialized to show their feelings except for anger. Of which everything else is bottled up inside to include loneliness, depression, fear, doubt, inadequacy, and a whole lot of other emotions.
The book helped me understand the transition taking place in my son Bubbles young adult, male life. By living with his father, he is being masculinized, and the fuzzy bunnies, stuffed animals taken away from him. The good thing is Bubbles gets to experience more male bonding, attention. Many grown men long for male admiration or fatherly approval. Always trying to measure up to someone's expectations of them. Most men feel like they are Atlas holding up their own personal worlds of family responsibility, sex drive urges, income provider, physical safety protector; lots of expectations. The "undercover man" Ned found acceptance among other men. But also the unknown restrictions gender roles imposed on him. If you are male and look another man directly in the eyes for very long, it usually means you want to kill him or fuck him. I thought that observation to be very insightful and telling.
The book helped to further define my own sexual preferences. A warrior princess or new age man. I don't need someone to take care of me or control, dictate my whereabouts. If he/she is going to be promiscious, have the balls to admit it up front. I don't like double standards. And I sure as hell don't want to contract any STDs. The older I become, the more I cherish friends and family members. And respect the short time we have together on the big blue globe. I worry about my weight gain only because it effects my health. I'm not going to adhere to a man's ideal image of a blonde with big boobs, tiny waist and tight ass. If I have any of these attributes, nature gave them to me freely. I didn't go looking for them in a doctor's office, drugstore, or by purging or denying myself healthy foods. If I don't match your ideal image, mental picture of a Barbie Doll, ultra femme woman, move onto the next altered, digitally enhanced picture. And to the middle Eastern, Islamic Fascist, I ain't no dumb ass, breeding animal to give you male offspring, clean your house, and cook your meals. So fuck yourself if you think the world revolves around your masculinity. If I handed you a musical instrument and demanded you play it, without training, you could not produce a quality song, concert. So how the hell do you demand half your culture (females) to remain ignorant, untrained, uneducated? Am I superior to you because I studied an instrument and learned how to play it? Same logic applies to educating girls and boys. They both need and deserve education. Enlightment.
My life is best lived between the margins. I love the freedom of reving up my motorcycle, riding on the highways while most people cringe behind the steering wheel, either condeming me under their breath for being a risk taker or looking at me with envy for having the courage and freedom to ride without metal cage protection. I like the confidence, take no prisoners attitude I've developed through my military training and constantly surviving in a man's world. It's made me stronger on some levels. I like that I can show my emotions in public. That I'm not perceived as a threat. There are less walls to penetrate when Western men speak to me. Because I'm not out to demasculinize them. I don't make gay, racist, sexist jokes at their expense. I don't look across the room and wonder how many women I can seduce or get into their pants. A gay or bisexual woman usually looks for substance and quality not conquest and numbers... unless she is a baby dyke out to prove something to herself. Or transgendered and post-operative male trying to be a real man and behave like the stereotypical alpha, bedding every female in sight. I am happy to be a middle age, healthy, educated woman. It brings me peace of mind. And I'm strong enough to be whom I want to be, not what society expects of me. Especially men.
~ Soldier Girl
