April 14, 2006 - 10:55 a.m.
It's Good Friday. And I'm feeling blah today. I've spent far too much time contemplating the obstacles surrounding Byron and Zoe's relationship. Why am I spending so much time concerning myself with their affairs. Because I see a woman ten years younger than myself struggling alone in a foreign country. Waiting for a man she has dedicated time and energy for over two years. It's all so painfully romantic and tragic. The way women put that much hope and trust in men without hesitation. Some will come through for them. Others amount to nothing but pillow talk and bullshit. Sweet promises and intentions they cannot or do not keep. I realized the other day, (almost profoundly) it's very difficult if not impossible to be perfect for long durations. We humans fail each other at times. Hurt, disappoint, and often times destroy our love, marriages, friendships, relationships, you name it. A wise, remorseful person will want to reflect on his/her bad decisions. His/her bad behaviors. And try not to make the same mistakes twice.
I sit here today a somewhat emotionally broken person. I am debt free and can take care of myself financially. I don't need a man or woman to make my life more secure. Yet my relationship with son Bubbles has been destroyed! He won't even talk to me! Hates me for living with Naomi. And blames her for breaking up the marriage. He is full of hate and anger. Won't let anyone new get close to him. It breaks my heart in teeny, tiny pieces. I quit blaming his father Boaz, my ex husband. What's the point. I know parent alienation took place. Boaz poisoned our relationship. I must forgive and move on. I sit inside a house I own two thirds. Fifteen year, fixed rate mortgages are the bomb. Helps you become debt free that much sooner. I'm not sure I'm in love with my roommate, girlfriend. Her struggling finances and ongoing dependency creates major feelings of uncertainty, frustration. Trust issues abound. Will she always struggle in this area of her life. Having no savings or retirement plan. I've given up on finding a close match. A perfect mate. That person does not exist. At times I want to be like the Apostle Paul. Living my life alone without the hassles of a wife or husband. However, I know deep inside, humans need love and affection. No man or woman can survive too long as an island. And keep one's sanity intact.
Don't look at me with hate or envy. I have my own demons and troubles. I will leave Byron and Zoe to their own fate. And stop meddling in their affairs with the one small exception of helping him get over there.
~ Soldier Girl
