January 17, 2007 - 10:38 p.m.
Melancholy hits me tonight like a ton of old rocks, chipped and broken. Every time I be myself, be honest with people, they shun or reject me. Went to see Bubbles three hours ago. He was in a bittersweet, angry mood. Somehow he contracted skin fungus on his left cheek while wrestling on Saturday. The two knee surgeries last year that kept him from wrestling, then cauliflower, boxer's ear early this season and now skin fungus! The hazards of being a wrestler or boxer. Of course, angry young man had to take out his frustrations on me this evening. Calling me names, reminding me of my thinning hair, "bald spot" which is more like a cigar shaped hair part, typical of middle age women with baby fine hair. I accept my limitations and changing body characteristics. I accept people for who they are most days. Unless they are a shady character, liar, thief, killer, cheat. Bad person.
Last night's open mic performance was uplifting for our band. What seemed like a disaster in the making turned into a well-received performance of two highly rehearsed songs. We have practiced together for six months. To the point our lead singer was almost sick of the songs and improvising new stylings and voice techniques each time she sang. She gave a wonderful performance on January 16th, 2007. I smuggled in a slender thermos containing red wine. It helped her calm down, settle nerves. Earlier in the evening, she got lost driving to the open mic venue, using printed mapquest directions. Makes me want to purchase a voice activated GPS device in the near future. To help myself, friends, and band members from getting lost. Easy to do in big cities.
So this week, I am happy we achieved our collective goal of performing on stage in public. Yet I am sad and depressed over the negative treatment from son Bubbles, and his ongoing health problems caused by wrestling. However, I think the positive benefits of being on a varsity sports team outweigh the negative ones. Some ultra femme sent me a drink on a dating, friendship website. I had to laugh because this woman is drop dead gorgeous, supposedly has a post graduate degree, and writing to me. She lives 1800 miles away in the midwest. Either she is a poser, or desperate to see California. Who knows. I've given up on meeting new people from websites. The minute you're honest with current living situation, life story, the second they realize you have nothing to offer them but a hand of friendship and possibly a date or two in the distant future. Dating is all about meeting someone's present day needs. It's also a painful process of elimination. Eliminating (in lieu of dating) is a more accurate description of what really happens to people who are looking for their next date, soulmate... if one even exists.
~ Soldier Girl
