May 29, 2006 - 1:05 a.m.
I have a squeaky clean background. Never did any hard drugs. Never abused alcohol. Although I times I have felt the squeeze of the black hole. I got through the dark times with my own inner strength and belief in a higher power. That's the God's honest truth. Everyone around me is dying of something. Middle age hits you like a ton of bricks. I haven't decided if I should be buried or creamated. How morbid to plan your own funeral. Bubbles is no longer talking to me. Refuses to interact. My offspring, legacy of silence. I suppose I deserve some of it. He blames the breakup of our family (divorce) entirely on me. Yet his father is allowed to have a new girlfriend. Although Bubbles will not interact with them on any level. Keeps to himself. And his two dogs.
I like the show "Huff" because that television family is similar to mine. Although no one is schizophrenic or jumping off buildings, we have a troubled son. His brain could be functioning in early stages of bipolar disorder or adult ADD. Some chemical unbalance taking place inside the neurons. No, it's not fair Teddy and Bubbles were dealt a bad hand in life. Same was true for my own mother. She could not help becoming a manic depressive with affective disorder at the young age of 26. And a bit paranoid at times throughout her life. I hope she is in a better place with a perfect mind and body. Image. Holograph.
I still hold the polaroid shot in my brain. Of the woman who I was crushed out on several years ago. How can anyone live up to a fantasy. A figment of my imagination. A perfect potluck dinner where everyone brings a predetermined item and cooks the meal. We were sitting beside each other all evening. I should have waited for her in the bathroom. Not pass her by in the hallway. Shyness. Uncertainty. Already taken by an oath uttered ten years beforehand. If I had any chance of keeping it, I should have stayed away from the city. That enchanted evening. I spent the next seven years chasing a dream. To no avail. Only a path of new choices and difficulties lay wait, way late in front of me.
I'm having another pity party for myself. Or reflection period. What good does it do, really. You can't turn back the clock. Live with past regrets. Fate has its own way of shining through. Telling the story.
~ Soldier Girl
