September 24, 2008 - 8:52 p.m.
I'm sitting here with a low grade headache contemplating what love means. I suppose one should look at a couple who has been together over fifty years for a realistic answer. I think most of us fail to obtain lasting love because of selfishness, self-centered decisions, a refusal to change or grow, and attractive alternatives. I'm sure there is a laundry list published in some book or two million. Expert opinions.
I also think true love can be self-denial in order to really help someone instead of getting your own needs met. You may wish a terminally ill partner to hang in there, keep living because you don't want to lose him or her. But quality of life has diminished and it would be more humane, loving to let them go.
When I reflect on my own life and love mistakes, it seems common values and beliefs are equally important in making a relationship last. If you think it's immoral to borrow money and not pay someone back, and your partner has a different philosophy, it can create problems for your relationship. It takes a strong person to be celibate and live alone. Most people settle for someone to meet their immediate needs... good enough today but maybe not tomorrow. Mutual respect is also important. How can you truly love someone if you don't respect them.
Looking back on my life with Boaz, we both were stubborn people. Had we communicated better, compromised on key issues, we may have stayed married. My values and those of Naomi's are different. I discovered this fact in 2003 and tried to come up with reasons and excuses. Today, in 2008 those same differences exist. I could not remain in a relationship with someone who does not share a common belief system.
Life has a funny sense of irony. I am becoming more like Sir Lancelot in search of the higher good, holy grail in terms of spirituality, purpose, values. Material things make life more tolerable, comfortable. The more you have, the more you have to take care of. Downsizing seems the right thing to do, especially as one grows older.
Do no harm to others. I like that philosophy. But when it comes to romantic love, we often harm people more than we help or love them. Sexual libido can also make people self-centered and abusive if not properly channeled.
Love has to be anchored in honesty, truthfulness. Otherwise, whispering sweet nothings will get you nothing but self-centered behavior, empty promises, hurtful lies. Action speaks louder than words.
~ Soldier Girl
