July 30, 2005 - 4:27 a.m.
Seriously thinking about going back East in the next three months. After I sell what is difficult to maintain here. Job opening would put me near DC. Closer to my birth family. Maybe that is what I need at this point in time. To be near my dying mother before she passes to the next life. Being 2000 miles away makes me useless, full of guilt, and hopeless regrets. Not seeing Bubbles finish his last two years of high school is equally sad. Tearful. Human sacrifice. I'll put my name in the magician's hat and see what fate brings me. I can go back East on a trial basis for 60 days. Been a while since I lived there. Can get use to the humidity and snow again. A change may do us some good. Everyone dependent on each other for survival. I can't go on wishing for better tomorrows. Sometimes, you have to be willing to risk it all for those who mean something to you. I'm afraid my dear mother has less than six months to live. Losing someone close is worse than falling down a flight of stairs. Worse than missing the last three steps. Tripping over slippery mats and loose handrails. Falling head first. With a huge concussion. Bruises unable to heal anytime soon. All this negative energy swirling around me. Hideous strength. Unexplainable mists and currents taking me further out to sea. Into the darkness. Until I can no longer see the lighthouse. I need to leave while a shred of good remains inside. Everyone around me being consumed with West Nile virus from red, chirping robins. Not the tone death, carnivorous black crows previously thought. Something from the hideous dark side. Good people being killed off with cancer and other incurable diseases. Survivors getting tougher, more greedier, desperate. I wonder where I stand today. Las Vegas with the walking dude. On a country porch swing with Leola, hair in corn rows. Eating cornbread, red beans, and rice. Walking toward the light again.
~ Soldier Girl
