January 11, 2007 - 8:15 p.m.
I don't believe in coincidence. Either fate occurs as predestined or the disguise is clever, or the perceiver not so bright, observant.
I'm not sure which part of this applies to my present day situation. I'm beginning to think my perception is not as sharp as it should be at this moment in time. People lower their shields through drug addictions, alcohol consumption, unrealistic expectations or ill-sought dreams. Everyone thinks it can't happen to them until it slams them against a wall, without alarms or flashing lights. Nothing suprises me anymore...
John M. Shalikashvili, retired Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, says Congress should give “serious reconsideration” to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the ban on openly lesbian, gay and bisexual military personnel. Shalikashvili urges Congress to "Welcome the service of any American who is willing and able to do the job." I couldn't agree more. Yet the 25 year veteran inside me says don't believe it. Homophobia is alive and kicking in 2007. The higher you go up the flag pole, the more your butt crack shows. I doubt I will see the lifting of the U.S. military gay, bisexual, and lesbian ban in my lifetime. If I even have one (military career) tomorrow. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder for someone to sabotage me. Last week, I was watching a Monk re-run episode that highlighted the difficulty police officers and military members have trusting other people. Even the ones closest to them. Because we are constantly being exposed to lies, deception, fraud, corruption, and other vices people can't seem to outgrow. Self-first, self-motivated, selfish human beings. Distrust leaves all cynics and doubters alone. We find comfort in the bottom of a bottle, behind the wheel of a fancy sports car, shiny motorcycle, and other toy collections. People are much more complicated than material things and four-legged creatures. And will usually hurt you at some point, if not mentally, than physically, especially if you're a woman. And if you're a career military woman like me, you might choose loneliness over regulation induced heterosexuality. You might end up settling for someone of the opposite sex even though your emotions and personality are more broad-based, open-minded. The reverse could occur and you only prefer members of the same sex. Then you're totally screwed because the U.S. military does not allow same sex relationships, only a GLBT identity with celibate behavior.
People paid to flush out the violators do a good job finding us. The ones who think outside the box, make innovative leaders, and don't give a fuck about the status quo. Appearances only when necessary. You can get punished in a heartbeat for coloring outside the lines of military good order and discipline.
My heart aches tonight from saying goodbye to a friend and watching my own career become more vulnerable and susceptible to sabotage and fatal flesh wounds.
~ Soldier Girl
