November 22, 2006 - 8:49 p.m.
My relationship with Bubbles is practically over, finished. I tried stopping by the family home tonight. He refused to come downstairs and interact with me. It's been almost a year since we had a normal mother-son relationship. Now everything about me is dirt to him. My son will be 18 in six months. If he continues ignoring me, being mean, I'll let him live his life without motherly involvement. For all practical purposes...he'll be motherless. What other choice do I have. I refuse to allow him to be disrespectful, mean-spirited toward me. Indifference is the opposite of love, worse than hate. He is exhibiting both traits.
I want to live my life in peace and harmony. Not making enemies. Not tossing people aside like they are yesterday's newspaper, expired coupons. Most people know I became roommates only with Naomi in July. It doesn't mean I should toss her aside, forcing her out of the house for no good reason. If she can pay her share of bills and remain a pleasant presence, faithful friend with integrity, we both benefit from the live-in arrangement. The only promise I made was not to bring home a new date. I'm expecting a job transfer (120 miles from here) in the next 6-9 months so my promise should not be impossible to keep.
And my divorce is STILL NOT FINAL after five years of legal separation. All of the finances have been settled. Child support, custodial parent decision was made three months after I was served a divorce summons in 2001. Fucking greedy, busy lawyers are the reasons for delay. And I happen to live in one of the largest, overwhelmed counties in California. They practice law by triage, settling the worst cases first. Everyone else slips through the invisible cracks of the legal system. Will I ever marry again or form a legal union/domestic partnership? No. Not unless I share close quarters with him or her over a minimal, three year period. I'm leaning toward non-marriage in 2006. Five years of legal bickering, expensive lawyer fees have left me disgruntled, disillusioned, and highly distrustful of most people's true intentions. In a single word, I'm jaded. I seriously doubt a compatible soulmate exists that is free of drug, alcohol, nicotine addictions or financial hardship(s). Finding a quality, compatible, available, professional, 40-something, monogamous, STD-free, healthy, attractive, athletic partner is slim pickins where I live.
~ Soldier Girl
