April 12, 2006 - 2:46 p.m.
I am staying at home today. Preparing myself mentally to tackle the income taxes. I keep postponing the dreadful task. Once I get started, I complete it rather quickly. Getting started is always the first hurdle...
I am also somewhat sad today. I found out a week ago she moved to the Seattle Washington area. The woman I've been carrying a torch for the past nine years. Unrequited lust for the Poet Moe. How can you truly love someone you barely know? If we had corresponded over the years in email, she was using pseudo pen names. When she answers the phone, she uses her real, first name. I couldn't read precisely between the lines with her, after several years of trying. In October 2005, I stumbled across a new gay personal website. I found her picture in the bisexual, lesbian section. She listed her sexual preference as lesbian. Which nearly floored me. She was last seen with her boyfriend in San Francisco. And I had met her at a women's bisexual group outing. People can change sexual preference over time. I find myself more drawn to women as I get older. Probably because they age more gracefully and most of the femme lesbians I know take great care of themselves, especially in California. Perhaps she had changed preferences as well and no longer dating men today.I remain fluid in my sexuality. I could be with a man or woman throughout this lifetime. The main thing is what's inside a person's heart and mind. He/She must have integrity above everything else. Without honesty and trust you have NOTHING. After living with someone, you find out rather quickly, all their hidden secrets. It may take 2-3 years but you eventually learn the truth over time. I hope my unrequited love finds true happiness up north, two states away. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness. If she ever stumbles upon this journal entry... I was the one who called you last week and didn't answer after you said "Hello" twice upon stating your first name. Hearing your voice was enough confirmation of your new whereabouts. I felt like a heel for dialing your number and not saying a single word. I seriously doubt, she even remembers me. Funny how we take simple encounters and make them into something more than a friendly potluck or get together. We keep reading between the lines...
I called a woman in Ireland today. She is a penpal, internet girlfriend of my close friend, poet Byron I've mentioned several times in my Diaryland journal, past entries. Byron is suppose to meet Zoe in Ireland this year. At the end of May if he can pull together enough funds to cover the expense of moving over there. It's my belief that Zoe is being sponsored by some Hungarian or Russian matchmaking service. Although at age 32, she doesn't fit the normal stereotype of a young, mail order bride. I felt her strong disappointment of hearing my voice instead of Byron's Appalachian twang. Why does he make so many promises that are easily broken? He is not a rich man. Financial difficulties have forced him to pre-pay for cell phone minutes. He cannot afford to call her today. He owes $800 in income taxes to the IRS. And doesn't have a dime in savings; the stereotypical starving artist. Great writer, painter, poet. I want to believe in love again. Despite its many obstacles. I offered to pay half of Byron's airfare to Ireland. He is selling off family belongings and furniture. His mother died two years ago. And he was the only child who lived with her after his father was tragically killed in the early 1980's. Poets are dreamers. He inspired me to become a poet, even if I couldn't dedicate myself to it full-time. I wasn't willing to sacrifice everything to become famous or well known. Financial security took precedence at an early age of 18. I hope and pray that Byron and Zoe finally meet in Ireland this year. And love takes its natural course.
~ Soldier Girl
