April 19, 2006 - 12:35 a.m.
"Thinking is rehearsing" the old man replied... to the greatest thing he has learned as stockbroker, person who has lived for 80 years. He lifted the phrase from Freud. And fully understood its meaning, later in life. Most stockbrokers are not financially successful because they don't believe their own bullshit. They do nothing to act upon the hot tips and stocks. Failure to act becomes failure to win.
From time to time, I review my journal entries. Either I have become a paranoid schizophrenic with age-- or I have a deep, unhealed wound involving trust. Or lack thereof. Trust but verify has been a favorite motto, life principle in my line of work. I heard a preacher man with a Scottish accent on the radio yesterday. He said something about the word sin being eliminated from our current day vocabulary. People not taking responsibility for their own actions. And putting the blame on their childhood, life tramas, bad parenting. It rang a bell jar for me. Taking responsibility for one's own actions. What's missing in today's me, me, me first society.
Deception has become the norm. Accepted, self-preservation. Once it leaves the playful realm, it cuts me to the bone. As a child I loved to wear costumes and halloween masks. Getting to be Frankenstein or a monster for the evening. Someone, something different. Unusual. Acting is similar. Role-playing. I enjoy the humor and fun of it all. Until it leaves the windows of trust wide open for doubt and despair. Hurtful feelings. A relationship built on trust destroyed in mere seconds. Nothing could be more devasting to me.
Must have been the time I was five years old. Alone in the field. Night crawler hunting with the neighbor boys. Calling out my name... "Come over here. See our bucket full of big nightcrawlers." Innocent, believing child turned into a cautious, more careful adolescent. Bashful teenager, street wiser woman. And now the show-me state of Missouri. Or should I say Misery when I do not, cannot trust without reassurance. Verification. Hurt too many times to accept blind trust. The leap of faith without looking down or sideways. Even looking up is better than staring straight ahead. Over one's shoulder(s).
~ Soldier Girl
