September 23, 2008 - 7:08 p.m.
Journal, I was home sick today. Experiencing some vertigo and dizziness. Not sure if it's menopause or a change in the weather or symptoms of NHL returning. Next month's PET scan will show if I'm still in remission after one year. I want to live as long as possible. I'm prepared for a shorter duration.
It's been nine, long months in my new living location. I'm having a difficult time adjusting to the higher degree temperatures. I thought about purchasing a home here since there are bargains everywhere. But the thought of living in this city longer than I have to makes me hesitate. I can always visit with bicycle or sailboat in tow.
I click and navigate to the real estate page with cabins in my home state. The Bay area is one of the few places on earth that has near perfect weather. I kept my home there even though Naomi wants to sell it for me. I'm allowing her to live at the townhouse on a monthly basis. We broke up two years ago, my doing. And still today the same old problems resurface. I'm done waiting for her to change.
Sitting here alone in a one bedroom apartment I feel both angry and free. Angry that I gained 10 lbs and can't shed the weight easily. Sad that I can't look as hot as I did eight years ago when I ran a half marathon and was training for it. Disappointed that I am too afraid of rejection to email a blue crush. Royal blue because it makes me nostalgically blue and depressed. Yet I am a strong person. I totally forgave Boaz for being a jerk and alienating Bubbles who seldom calls me from the Army. The lad is quite talented and completed five jumps and earned his parachute wings this year.
My aunt died in June. I'm suppose to receive inheritance money. I wear her silver ring with black onyx and tiny diamond in the center. I don't even know if the diamond is real or fake. It doesn't matter. It was her ring. Another Diamond appeared this week in Facebook. Imagine my delight in seeing her photograph. I like her short hair with bangs. OMG... she has similar deep set eyes and hair color. Before my hair turned a shade darker from the six chemo treatments. I'm tempted to add her as a friend. But can't bring myself to initiate contact. Fear of rejection. I doubt she remembers me. I taught at a community college. Several other women in our Group were college professors at Berkeley and Stanford. Intelligent people.
I just had a hot flash. This whole menopause thing doesn't upset me as you would expect. Nothing can be as traumatic as chemo. Especially the last treatment when it attacks you because all tumors are gone. At least in my situation. The good news is my sex drive has returned. For once in my life I don't have to worry about a monthly visitor or 5 days of mess. I want to ride a freedom train from the West coast to the East in celebration. With all the train crashes lately, it could be a death ride to hell.
Last weekend, I went sailing with Boaz and my outlaws. His niece and brother-in-law. Boaz is getting better at sailing. He only frightened me three times. We nearly missed hitting a green channel marker. And the boat was heeling quite heavily near the GG Bridge. I reached out my hand to cup some ocean water on the leeward side of the boat. I liked sailing under the Bay Bridge and watching to see if the mast cleared the bridge. How close it came to scraping the metal underneath the passing cars.
Diamond would find me boring. A health risk. Overweight. How easily I talk myself out of things. Bubba sent me a link for a BMW 650CS. My dream bike. I want to take a road trip to Oregon or Seattle. Maybe a bicycle trip in two years when I retire. Goals...maybe I'll return to college and earn a Master's degree in psychology. Or take a film class at Berkeley and make 15 minute films for GLBT festivals. My niece is smokin' hot and has similar tastes. She bought herself an electric guitar and motorcycle. She'll be 21 in December. She wants to move to Los Angeles to be a model or actress. Seriously, she could pass for Angelina's younger sister. Her mother Ruby (my twin), does not understand these things. I will help my niece in California. We have the same DNA. Genetically, she's my daughter. I have no problem flying to LA to help her with auditions or film negotiations. She gets too much attention whether she wants it or not. Guys constantly approaching her. Of all ages. It's pathetic really. How much emphasis everyone places on beauty and looks. Sure, we all want someone easy on the eyes.
Bubba looks like a hedgehog. But his personality is superb and he doesn't let his shortness stop him from bicycling, motorcycling, and skiing. He has a radio voice. Baritone. He's growing on me. Last week, Bubba and I went cycling 18 miles. He is a co-worker. He has bad teeth and divorced. But everyone likes him. He is a fun, jolly person to be around. I can see past the exterior. I just happen to like women, femme tomboys the best. I don't want to hurt Bubba like I did Boaz. I'm done hurting people accidentally or through my indecisiveness.
~ Soldier Girl
